The Truth about Consequences

I was going through my purse and emptying out all the extra paper that I accumulate over the week. As I was tossing some of it away that I don't think I'll need, I stopped to flip through this bulletin that was in our church's Sunday bulletin. It is found in the September 09 Bulletin published by Focus on the Family. I found it quite ironic and timely that this particular article was in there. I'll explain at the end.

The Truth About Consequences
by Dr. Bill Maier

Do you have a grip on reality? Here's a quiz to find out.

Bob drives his bright red sports car 90 miles per hour on the interstate and is pulled over by a state trooper. The trooper gives Bob a:
-friendly greeting
-cookie
-speeding ticket

Susan prefers sleeping late to showing up at work on time. After arriving at the office two to three hours late for two weeks in a row, Susan's boss tells her to:
-get to bed a little earlier
-take some vacation time to rest up
-look for another job

As a result of their choices, Bob and Susan will both experience unpleasant consequences. We can only hope they'll learn from their experiences, prompting Bob to become a safer driver and Susan to become a more responsible employee.

Training for the real world

The effective use of consequences can be a powerful parenting tool. When our children break a rule or fail to act responsibly, we can implement a consequence or allow the natural outcome of their behavior to take effect. Over time, these results act as a teacher, helping our kids to learn how things operate in the real world. Unfortunately, far too many parents short-circuit this process, either failing to implement appropriate consequences or bailing their kids out — shielding them from the slightest discomfort. These parents believe they express love by sparing their children from consequences; in reality, they are setting up their kids for frustration and failure later in life.

The book of Proverbs reminds us that God designed the world to function in specific ways. Our actions have ramifications, and more often than not, we reap what we sow (Galatians 6:7). Our kids benefit when they learn that life is made up of these cause-and-effect relationships — even though the effects they experience may sometimes be unpleasant. If a toddler touches a hot stove, he gets burned — that is a natural consequence. When a child's actions do not lead to an obvious result, however, a parent can still employ a consequence that is logically connected to the behavior. For example, a child is instructed to put away his toy train and doesn't follow through; a logical consequence would be that he is not allowed to play with his train the next day.

What it looks like

Consequences can be both positive and negative. Parents can use positive consequences when they want to encourage a good behavior and negative consequences when they want to discourage a bad behavior. In order for consequences to work, they need to be immediate. Kids have short attention spans. You can increase the immediacy of a consequence by using tokens or a point system. Immediately award your child points or tokens for positive behavior and deduct them for negative behavior. These can then be cashed in for special privileges or inexpensive rewards at a later time.
You'll also need to be consistent with consequences, or your child will quickly learn that you don't mean what you say. That's why it's crucial to follow through with a promised outcome even when you're tired.
Finally, consequences need to be powerful. If a positive or negative consequence doesn't matter to your child, it won't change her behavior. For example, earning points toward a new outfit for her doll may be a powerful motivator for a 7-year-old girl, but she may not care about that a year from now.
As you learn to use consequences effectively — instead of nagging, yelling or making threats — you'll find that interactions with your kids will improve. Your children will clearly understand what's expected of them, and you'll feel more confident in your role as a parent. Of course, you should always administer consequences in the context of a warm, supportive relationship.

Dr. Dobson's book The New Dare to Discipline includes step-by-step instructions on how to utilize consequences in your parenting and set up a point or token system. By the way, if you chose the third answer for both questions on the quiz, congratulations — you understand the reality of consequences. Now you can use that precious wisdom to help your kids mature into responsible adults who make good choices — and who keep their jobs and avoid speeding tickets.


So, having grown up with consequences and knowing that our actions would produce consequences whether good or bad, we have chosen to use consequences as a part of our parenting. As I'm sure many responsible parents would agree, consequences mean nothing or are not effective when both parents are not in agreement or when others interfere with the carrying out of consequences.

The twist in our situation is that our kid was a foster kid. Thus, our consequences meant nothing when the child continued to be disobedient and lie, and those outside of our family sympathized with his disobedient actions and lies. Unfortunately, telling a child that he is not really lying when he is, does not teach him responsibility for his actions and words. And telling a child that you'll pray for him when you do nothing to find out the reality of the situation, doesn't help to teach him to solve his problems and learn to respect parental authority. One of the unfortunate keys in this case was that we know the people in the Christian community that did nothing to help him learn that he was wrong by being disobedient & lying. It saddens me to know that we are raising children in a much different world from the standards, morals, and values that we hold high.

If you're wondering the outcome of this situation, he is no longer living with us, since he does not like our "lifestyle" aka rules and consequences, and he is no longer "comfortable" aka got caught lying and was grounded. Those who make the decisions and are supposed to support foster parents, decided that it was better to let him feel "comfortable" and get away with his wrong doings. And he continues on with his life as if he did nothing wrong, since he was rewarded instead of learning through consequences.

CASH FOR CLUNKERS

Here's another from Aunty Nona (forwarded from Kaleo, I think), and it was just too funny and true not to share. If I tagged you, it's because I know you have a sense of humor that will get a kick out of this one, not because I'm thinking of you at the end (ROFL!).

IF MY BODY WERE A CAR...

If my body were a car, this is the time I would be thinking about trading it in for a newer model. I've got bumps and dents and scratches in my finish, and my paint job is getting a little dull. But that's not the worst of it. My headlights are out of focus, and it's especially hard to see things up close.

My traction is not as graceful as it once was. I slip and slide and skid and bump into things even in the best of weather.

My whitewalls are stained with varicose veins. It takes me hours to reach my maximum speed. My fuel rate burns inefficiently.

But here's the worst of it --

Almost every time I sneeze, cough or laugh, either my radiator leaks or my exhaust backfires.

CASH FOR CLUNKERS..........I QUALIFY - How about You?

Perplexing Questions

I got this from a friend and thought it was worth sharing (Thanks Aunty Nona!). Have you ever read Maxine? That is where it came from.


Why do you have to "put your two cents in"... but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going?

Can you cry under water?

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

What disease did cured ham actually have?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?
Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?

If you have sex with a prostitute against her will, is it considered rape or shoplifting?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

Why do doctors leave the room while you change?
They're going to see you naked anyway.

Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?

Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane ?

If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours?
They're both dogs!

If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

Why did you just try singing the two songs above?

Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

Do you ever wonder why you gave me your e-mail address in the first place?

What Really Matters

Insights from my brother, Leonard:

Every once in a while I am reminded that little things can make a huge impact. One could look at the big picture (i.e. global/national economy and/or politics,) frown at what they see and I couldn't blame them. Who knows what tomorrow holds for any of us? On the other hand, as I found out tonight, it is possible to push past the pressing issues that affect everyone with the help of an innocent child.

With my sister, Malia, in town from Hilo, we had a small gathering just for the heck of it. The usual good food and good company were present as is the norm for these events. On one side of the house, a movie was showing on a projector screen while the other side featured a Nintendo Wii. I opted for the Wii and had a great time challenging my nephews to various games. I can definitely burn a few (or more than a few) hours playing Wii Sports!

One of my nephews, Kavin, ended up sitting next to me as we played a game. Kavin is a rather intelligent (almost) 4 year old who can really hold a conversation when he gets going. I may not understand everything he's saying but as with many boys his age, he often catches me off guard with the things that he blurts out.

As he sat next to me, I heard him say something. I couldn't quite hear him due to the volume level of the game in progress so I asked him to repeat himself. He looked at me and again said something that was lost in transit. I told him to speak up a little and moved my ear closer to his mouth to ensure proper reception. The third time was the charm...I heard every word as clearly as if we were in a sound-proof room and they hit me like the proverbial ton of bricks:

"Kawika is my Daddy's name."

I didn't know what to say at first. When I finally regained my composure, I smiled at Kavin and said,

"Yes, it is! Do you miss him?"

Kavin nodded excitedly and all I could say at that point was,

"Me, too."

Sometimes the world and its problems can seem overwhelming. I often forget that by looking at the whole thing at once I can easily miss the small bits that can be the most important (e.g. the love of family and friends.) At his tender young age, it's good to know that my nephew can keep me grounded and teach me a valuable lesson on what really matters in life.

*NOTE: For those who may not be familiar with my brother-in-law, Kawika, please read my previous note: http://www.facebook.com/note.php?note_id=36523057634

Has this world lost all common sense?

In the past few days, no, make that weeks, I have wondered if I am just "different" in my thinking than the rest of the world.

1. Call for a dentist appointment. The person on the phone gives me a hard time about scheduling two appointments in a row at the end of the day, so Jeff can go too. Gee, since when does a patient need to beg to make an appointment? And I even told her I didn't care if it was three months from now! Just make the appointments.

2. The kids open the cereal bag to eat breakfast and take the milk out of the fridge. The bag is left open on the counter and the milk too. The reason: the milk was spoiled (well gee, get a clue why the milk spoils when you leave it OUT!) and it wasn't "me" that left the bag open (it was the ghost). The irony in all this: they left the cereal container open the other week and it was filled with ants and bugs, so they couldn't eat it! Ya think they would learn.

3. Same day. I cook lunch and dinner. They're the only ones eating from the container on the counter. There's noodles all over the counter after one kid takes lunch. It stays there even though it's fairly obvious. I come home and cook dinner even though Jeff & I already ate at a funeral. They eat dinner and put the leftovers in the fridge (not sure what was wrong with our plastic storage containers, but the spaghetti went into three different ziploc bags). After laying down with a whopper of a headache, I get up at 1am to start my food for the picnic we're going to. I turn the light on in the kitchen and am greeted by the most disgusting sight...dirty dishes in the sink, on the counter, and stove, not covered or rinsed with food spilled. Those of you who live or have lived with me, and those of you that don't for that matter, know that I absolutely can NOT stand roaches and bugs. But especially those super humongous, 747, ugly flying ones! And there were FOUR of them feasting on the mess that was left. I really hope that whatever the kids had to do that was so important that it took up all their time, so they couldn't even clean up their mess, was worth it. Common sense and courtesy evaded them. And the reason: "It wasn't my turn to clean the kitchen." And my answer: "Well, you ate didn't you? Do you think we have maid service?"

4. You know those reusable bags that the stores all sell now? Have you tried putting in SIX 2 liter bottles of soda into one bag and carrying it out of the store? Well, apparently there is a certain cashier and courtesy clerk at the Pali Safeway that thinks that it's okay. And all so they don't have to credit you the measly THREE CENTS bag credit! They can barely lift the bag into the wagon, but yet, they think the customer can do it. They offer carry out service, but what's the use of carry out service if you can't carry it yourself when you get home? And same cashier puts two trays of meat into one bag and nothing else. I think they should have a class on how to bag a customer's purchases properly! I speak from experience in working at Longs for over 7 years. Bag it properly and the customer will always be happy.

My solution to the bag problem: I am taking my own plastic bags, the ones they give you anyway, so they can only put 2 bottles in each bag, because they're so weak they'll break if you put 6 in it, get the 3 cents credit per bag, go out to my car and re-bag them in my reusable bags and leave the plastic ones in the wagon. I don't like plastic anyway. So if she thought she was saving Safeway money, she'll now be losing it.

What is happening to this world?

Some things never change...thank goodness!

I dropped Mary off at the airport today to go to Hilo. Kayla, Kyle, and Kason are staying over and going with us tomorrow after school. I was reminded of the innocence and bizarre thinking of Kason, an eight year old...

We went to Kmart after the airport. After walking through the clothes and past the shoes, we meet up with Leonard. While talking with him, Kason starts a conversation with me. Kason says he's so happy he gets to see his brother tomorrow. He misses him after one week. I ask him which one. He says Koen. Kayla replies, "WHAT?! Are you crazy?" Len just laughed.

Later tonight, I told Kason to go take a bath and sent him to get his clothes out of the van. He comes back and tells me that he needs a white shirt for May Day tomorrow, and he knows that he gave it to his mom. Duh! I tell him it's in Hilo right now. She packed his clothes in her suitcase to take with her TODAY. So, he starts to cry and flings himself down. I ask him where his underwear is, and he doesn't know. So, I tell him to go to the bathroom and take off his underwear and throw it into my wash that's going now. He gives me this funny look, so I assume he doesn't want to do it. I said, "I know you wear shorts without underwear, so just go do it, and you'll get it back when it's dry." He tells me it's not a special occasion (lightbulb!). Then he tells me that he can wear the same shirt he has on for school tomorrow, so I send him to throw it in the washer. As we're standing there, he tells me, "it's not a special occasion today, but it is tomorrow."*** Dang, I am still cracking up!!!! Good thing there's that basket of clothes still in the laundry area!

***He only wears underwear on special occasions! LMAO

TO ALL THE KIDS WHO SURVIVED the 1930's, 40's, 50's, 60's and 70's!!

Thanks to Aunty Nona for forwarding this. It's really true!


TO ALL THE KIDS WHO SURVIVED the 1930's, 40's, 50's, 60's and 70's!!

First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank while they were pregnant.

They took aspirin, ate blue cheese dressing, tuna from a can, and didn't get tested for diabetes.

Then after that trauma, we were put to sleep on our tummies in baby cribs covered with bright colored lead-based paints.

We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets, not to mention, the risks we took hitchhiking.

As infants & children, we would ride in cars with no car seats, booster seats, seat belts or air bags.

Riding in the back of a pick up on a warm day was always a special treat..

We drank water from the garden hose and NOT from a bottle.

We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and NO ONE actually died from this.

We ate cupcakes, white bread and real butter and drank Kool-aid made with sugar, but we weren't overweight because,

WE WERE ALWAYS OUTSIDE PLAYING!

We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on.

No one was able to reach us all day. And we were OK.

We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then ride down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into the bushes a few times, we learned to solve the problem.

We did not have Playstations, Nintendo's, X-boxes, no video games at all, no 150 channels on cable, no video movies or DVD's, no surround-sound or CD's, no cell phones, no personal computers, no Internet or chat rooms.......

WE HAD FRIENDS and we went outside and found them!

We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no lawsuits from these accidents.

We ate worms and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not live in us forever...

We were given BB guns for our 10th birthdays, made up games with sticks and tennis balls and, although we were told it would happen, we did not poke out very many eyes.

We rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just walked in and talked to them!

Little League had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment. Imagine that!!

The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of. They actually sided with the law!

These generations have produced some of the best risk-takers, problem solvers and inventors ever!

The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas.

We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned HOW TO DEAL WITH IT ALL!

If YOU are one of them CONGRATULATIONS!

You might want to share this with others who have had the luck to grow up as kids, before the lawyers and the government regulated so much of our lives for our own good .

While you are at it, forward it to your kids so they will know how brave (and lucky) their parents were...

Kind of makes you want to run through the house with scissors, doesn't it?!

The quote of the month is by Jay Leno:

'With hurricanes, tornadoes, fires out of control, mud slides, flooding, severe thunderstorms tearing up the country from one end to another, and with the threat of bird flu and terrorist attacks, are we sure this is a good time to take God out of the Pledge of Allegiance?'